Husband, Father, Podcaster

4th August 2013

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Party at Carolla's house! →

Adam Carolla is throwing a crazy party to celebrate his new movie, Road Hard, and I want you to get in on it! Party with the Ace Man: http://cjam.it/GDmiH

9th June 2013

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23rd December 2012

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Episode #50 Sirrruh

Truly one of the funniest chicks I know. Follow on twitter @sirrruh

12th August 2012

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12th August 2012

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Chapter 2

 As talked about earlier, we lived in a townhouse. It’s crazy how big that townhouse was as a kid. I drove through the area a few years back and it looked so small. Yes I know that as a kid everything looks bigger than what it is. But this was crazy to me how small it actually was as an adult. It was a palace to me. Somewhere I had freedom to roam and cause trouble as I pleased. There was supervision of course. But probably not as much as some kids had.

     There was one time where I had locked my mom out of the house when she went out to get the mail or take the garbage out. She was banging on the door screaming for me to open it. I was terrified from the banging and screaming that all I could do was cry. I think she had to go find the landlord of the complex to get the spare key to open the door. I would like to think that I was laughing the whole time this was going on but I think I would of unlocked the door after time.

     There was another time when I got into trouble. I don’t even remember what I did. All I remember was my mom grabbing a wooden spoon and me running away. She was chasing me around the complex yelling with a wooden spoon in her hand. If that happened now a days it would be thrown on youtube and she would be arrested for child abuse. I don’t agree that it was child abuse but people are way too sensitive about that. It’s idiots who beat their kids that have ruined good old fashioned discipline.

     I would wake up in the morning and go downstairs to grab myself some Lucky Charms to find strange things. There would be holes in the wall. One time there was even a chair sticking out of the wall. Come to find out that there were times when my mom would get drunk and try and pick fights. I think she got very lucky that her new boyfriend Joe wasn’t dumb enough to fight back. She easily could of been with someone who would have no problem smacking her back. I don’t believe that liquor brings out a part of you that is just buried deep inside. I have seen friends drink and be happy and have a good time. But there were certain types of drinks they would have that made them angry. I’m no Dr. Drew so I could be wrong on this.

     I was 5 when my mom met Joe. He seemed like an alright guy, but I was young and at that age you aren’t a real good judge of character. You basically trust everyone that you encounter. Joe had long hair past his shoulders. Even at that age I thought that it was strange for a man to have hair that long. But what did I know, I had a mullet. Not that back then I knew what a mullet was but I did know it looked rediculous. After a few months I could tell that Joe was going to be sticking around for a while. He seemed to take my moms shit and wasn’t willing to walk out because of it.

          Some stories that stick out to me around this age were probably things most kids get into. But back then it wasn’t as dangerous as what it is today. I wonder if things have gotten worse or if its the idea that the media is just greater nowadays. Remember the days where you only had the local news to rely on and the newspaper. Now you have cable news 24/7 and the internet to feed you crazy stories. Keep in mind I’m an 80’s baby. I know before my time there was hardly anything on TV.

     I remember having a mutual friend of my buddy who’s nickname is Meemer. I can’t even remember the friends name. That is how much I did not really like this kid. In fact Meemer got into it with him once. It was the craziest thing at the time. I saw Meemer push the kid on the ground and put his foot between the kids leg and pulled on his legs. I was floored at the sight of it. Even I knew at that age it’s crazy to crush someone’s nuts.

     I don’t even remember exactly what transpired between me and this kid. All I remember is him chasing me through the complex trying to hurt me. I’m sure I was talking some kind of shit about his rat tail. If you don’t know what a rat tail is, google it. I shouldn’t of been one to talk because my mom had the stylist give me a mullet.

      The next thing I remember is reaching the house door and the kid had his hands around my throat. I turned around somehow and suddenly he stopped. I felt this was my chance for payback. What a dumb move dropping your guard like that. I wound up and was about to swing when I heard a voice behind me. It was Joe. He had stealthfully opened the door. Either that or I had a huge rage of testosterone running through me thinking I had a chance to take him out. Joe had told the kid to leave and I can’t remember anything happening to me. 

     Another time I had gotten bored just hanging around the complex and decided to venture off with a friend. Not too far away was an area where they were doing some construction. It was early in the morning on a weekend so no one was around. My buddy and I thought it would be cool to climb in the tractor equipment. If I remember correctly we were on a bulldozer or a skid-loader.

     The next thing I remember was a cop standing next to the tractor and ordering us to get down. I remember thinking, it’s not like there were keys in the thing and we were driving it. But in reality we could of fallen off trying to get down and gotten hurt. The cop had brought us back home and had a talk with our parents. I guess I was actually missed while we were gone because my mom was freaking out wondering where we had gone. Not a common occurrence.

     There was another time when my mom was at Meemers house since she was good friends with his mom. They had also lived in the same complex as us, just up the hill from ours. They were pretty much drinking and partying buddies. I remember again getting bored and taking off with Meemer and our friend Stephanie. We walked about half a mile down the street where there was the police precinct and a playground. How weird that their was playground and park next to the police precinct. The safest park around I would think. Had to of been a pedophiles greatest feet to get a kid from that park.

     We basically just hung out for an hour or so and headed back before it got dark. I had thought that was pretty responsible at that age. By the time we had gotten back it had seemed that no one had noticed. And that was exactly the case. That is why it was so strange to be missed when I was on the bulldozer. Then again it was a different time of day. Mornings were the time where my mom was waking up from the night before and trying to gain a handle on things.

     When I was about 6 years old was when I had first discovered pornography. I remember being in the woods with some friends and had found a mattress. We were fooling around and nearby found a playboy. By that time I had already seen my mom topless. You are probably wondering what that has anything to do with this. Well I specifically remembering a friend pointing out a picture of a woman and saying she looked like my mom. I guess she did slightly. This is not the part where I tell you I discovered my mom had done playboy. She in fact did not. Just a coincidence of looks.

     This is a part in the book where I swallow a lump in my throat and tell you a story that I have only told my wife. In fact when I shared with her that I was going to write about this story, she made sure it was something that I wanted to do. I decided that I can’t just tell stories that some people in this book would get embarrassed by without telling my own stories of my embarrassment’s.

     It wasn’t too long after finding the playboy that I again was hanging out with some friends in the complex. It was the summer of 1989. We were all behind one of the buildings that was by the woods where we had found the playboy. For some reason there just happened to be the same amount of older kids walking through that there were of us. Strange how things work out like that. The next thing I remember is the 4 older kids standing around us. I would now guess that they were probably 10 or 11 years old. And we were all around 6.

     Suddenly one of them had started the engaging. He was telling us that we were going to do something for them and if we didn’t they were going to hurt us. All of them dropped their pants and drawers around their ankles. They told us that we had to suck their dicks. I don’t even remember at the time it being something we shouldn’t do. Maybe it was the fear that they were bigger than us and would hurt us if we didn’t. The 4 of us reluctantly did what they asked. Weird thing is that I don’t even think they got hard or anything. I for sure know that they didn’t finish. That would be something you would remember. The first time taking a load is not something you forget if you’re a male, female, straight, or gay.

     I managed to keep that secret bottled up for over 20 years. It is even weird how I ended up telling my wife. We were eating fast food or something that didn’t taste good. I had made the remark that the fries tasted like dick. She asked my how I knew and I had a sudden flashback and froze. She had a look on her face like I was about to come out of the closet. I tried to change the subject but it wasn’t going to happen. It was one of the most difficult things I’ve had to share.

     I still find it odd to this day that there was an even amount of all of us. Imagine if there was one more of them or even of us. How would that of gone down. If there was one more of them someone was getting left out. On the other hand one more of us and someone gets lucky by being left out. How would either side of decided who was being left out. Grab a handful of grass and grabbed straws? Either way I think that would of been a more awkward situation. Maybe if it was uneven it never would of happened.

     I baffles my mind to think that happened back in 1989. Porn was not as easily accessible as it is today. Sure lots of people had it on VHS or magazines. But today it all sits on the computer and any kid could go and see it. Did those kids even know exactly what they were doing or just acting out something they seen on a video? They had to of known. If they were just acting out what they saw they would of just sucked each other off. And the planning that had to go into that. Were they just stalking us around for a while and planning it all out? Now that I’ve shared some sexual assault how about we move onto a couple more dark stories.

   There did come a point where my mom knew she had a problem. She went into depression and decided it was time to get some help. She had finally swallowed her pride and told her parents about her drinking problem and depression. They were surprised to hear how much she was drinking and were glad she was wanting help. The next step was going to treatment.

     I have something to this day that for some reason haunts me. I am not even sure why. I think it’s because of going to visit my mom in a hospital and seeing her not looking well. There was obviously something different about her. While I was there she had given me a wooden plack (pictured below). It had a tin sheet with a train on it that I believe she had made. I’m not a very sentimental person that keeps things from my childhood. But for some reason this thing has managed to stick around. I wonder if I kept it as a reminder of what happens when you let something consume your life.

     Sadly to say, even after going through treatment, my mom didn’t stay sober for long. She had gotten off the phone one night and had told Joe that she was off to see her sponsor. Joe didn’t think she was telling the truth and after she left he had called her sponsor and found out they weren’t meeting. Joe had gotten me ready and we were going on a mission to find my mom.

     He knew there were a couple bars in town that she had as favorites. I guess she wasn’t as paranoid as she should of been or she didn’t care if she got caught. Sure enough she had been at one of those bars. Joe and I waited in the car until she came out. Only to find that she came out with another man and they had gotten in a car and left. Later on Joe had questioned her about the bar and leaving with another man. She had told him she left with the man and they went and did some coke. At least she was honest. But I have a hard time believing that is all that had happened.

          I was around the age of 6 or 7 when a crazy incident happened with Joe. He was starting to wear thin of my moms behavior and not cleaning herself up. There was a night where they had talked about spending a quiet night with just the three of us. When he came home from work he had heard the sound of the blender going. He knew right away that my mom and her friend were making Margarita’s. So much for the quiet night together.
       I was sitting on the couch with Meemer when Joe had come up to me and handed over a paper lunch bag and told me to give it to me mom after a while. He then left the room leaving me wondering what was in the bag. Obviously I did what anybody in that situation would do. I opened the bag to discover it was filled with cash.

     I was excited. I thought we had won the lottery or something. I immediately ran the bag over to my mom and she began to panic. I couldn’t understand why she was freaking out at the time. I guess if someone hands you a bag of cash with no explanation it means that they will no longer be seeing them. She had told everyone to quick search and find him. We all looked everywhere and someone had decided it would be smart to check the garage to make sure his car was still there. To their horror when they opened the garage door there was Joe sitting in the car with windows open and the car running.

     Someone ran to the nearest phone and called the police. Remember the day when you had to run to the phone in an emergency. You couldn’t just reach in your pocket and dial away. Within a short period of time the ambulance showed up and Joe was taken to the hospital. He wasn’t seriously hurt. I recently had finally asked why he had done it. It was the last straw and he wanted her to stop drinking by showing her how badly it was effecting him. I think after that it opened my mom’s eyes.

6th April 2012

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Episode #17 Jake Weisman

Jake and I get real. Gay haters must die! Beautiful cats and comedy.http://jakeweismanyay.tumblr.com/

http://soundcloud.com/creatingsparks/episode-17-jake-weisman

5th April 2012

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Episode #16 Doug Gale

Doug is a comedian out of Seattle. Not only is he a comedian but he is worlds greatest husband. You find out why. http://www.etsy.com/shop/uglybaby  

https://twitter.com/#!/DouglasWFail

http://soundcloud.com/creatingsparks/episode-16-doug-gale-2

5th April 2012

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Episode #15 Allen Strickland Williams

Allen joins me from Latino town in L.A. We talk about his comedy, public radio and him being jaded! https://www.facebook.com/pages/Allen-Strickland-Williams/56137347420

http://soundcloud.com/creatingsparks/episode-15-allen-strickland

5th April 2012

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Episode #14 Jeff Wattenhofer

Jeff and I chat about comedy, Krispy creme, and fat cops. http://jeffwattenhofer.tumblr.com/

http://soundcloud.com/creatingsparks/episode-14-jeff-wattenhofer

5th April 2012

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Episode #13 Dave Ross

Dave comes on the show and we discuss Stand up, Radio, Sex, and Herpes. http://davetotheross.com/

http://soundcloud.com/creatingsparks/episode-13-dave-ross